1/8" of the Way

Well, I'm on my way.  My biggest problem? Just the cravings for the french fries and the garlic bread.  I can give up the cream sauce and the chocolate candy...but the fried food?  That's rough.  That's what I crave...

..and come on, can you blame me?  So, I'm doing okay.  I have 1 piece of (the incredibly delicious and oh so fatening) garlic bread and not half a loaf...I have the 240 healthy choice steamer for lunch so I can have a cheeseburger every once in a while.

I've also started taking nightly walk and my fabulous husband sometimes comes with me; the last few times I've tried having a regluar workout schedule, I've tried Curves, and while the program appeals to me, it never stuck.  I think maybe it's just the being outside, but I'm coming to find I actually am enjoying my walks.  It isn't the most virgous exercise, but it's more than I've been doing.  So far, something seems to be working.  I guess the point now is to just stick with it.

So far...okay...

So, I've been "dieting" for a little over a week.  I really don't like that term - but I guess I'm eating low fat food, counting calories....yeah, I guess that counts as dieting, huh?  I broke down and purchased a scale.  The good news is that I don't weigh more than I was guess I did.  The bad news is I don't weigh less either.  *Shrugs.*  

I also have to mention Daily Plate. It's a great place to track calories and it's SO easy.  You just type in "Corner Bakery Club Panini" and you discover that it's 1040 calories (yikes).  Can I just say, I really didn't expect certain things to have the calories they do.  Honestly, most bread has over 100 calories a slice.  While I have no desire whatsoever to cut all my carbs (can't do it, sorry), I get why it's effective.

So on the food front, I'm doing okay.  Last weekend Vincent & I went up to Big Bear with Amanda, Ben and their adorable 1 year old Noah. We went out to dinner and I was good, I gave up the yummy fettuccine alfredo: 

In favor of the cheese ravioli with meat sauce:

Now, the pasta was...okay.  It was fine.  There was nothing wrong that some Parmesan cheese didn't fix.  But, dang it, did I regret not getting yummier dish...especially because I bet with all the cheese I added, that the Alfredo sauce was not that much worse for me.  *sigh*

So, okay on the food front - I've been keeping at or below my target calories.  But exercising? Not so much.  Last week I walked a half hour the 3 days that Vincent was working.  I've been fighting that nasty cold that's been going around, and this week, I haven't walked once.  I don't know what I'll do next week.  Thank goodness I finally have a job (hooray!) but I am guessing my exercise routine (hah!) will fade to nothing.

But no, it won't.  I'm working about 2 miles away from Amanda's.  There is no reason I can't walk there after work on a regular basis.  Right?  I can keep this up.

Weight Loss - The Beginning

I guess I'm about the same an most every woman out there (and all who live within driving distance of LA).  I am not happy with how much I weigh and what my body looks like.  I've tried curves twice (or is it three times?) and haven't stuck with it.  It isn't that I don't know "how" to loose weight - I've just never done it out of my own will power.  In fact, the only time I successfully lost any weight is when I was in a pretty dark place in  my life.  I have given myself all kinds of reasons why it won't work this time and I shouldn't even try:

• I have no will power - none.  Especially when it comes to food.
• I enjoy eating out too much
• People in my family were obsessed with food growing up and how much they ate and I am terrified to end up doing that.
• I don't exercises - We can't afford for me to go to a gym, and if we did, I wouldn't go.
• My husband loves me just the way I am, and I don't need to change.
• I can't stand diet food (all wheat tortillas, non-fat margarine, non-fat mayonnaise, bleh, it all makes me gag).
  
• I can be a perfectionist and I don't like have "mistakes" in my way - if I blow it once, I might just give up.
• Oh...and I really like to eat.  I love buttered popcorn and creamy Alfredo sauce, and a good fat piece of steak.

All of this is, however, bullshit (sorry mom, if you happen across this post).    Of course I can be stubborn, (just ask Vincent) and if I can be stubborn, then I can translate that to will power.  I have to believe I have the power to do this.  

I do have a difficult relationship with food, just like my family.  But they are healthy now, and in great shape - I saw the road they went down, and I know the pitfalls and what to avoid (I'm not going 2 years without a cookie!) I can do this a healthy way.

I don't exercise and I hate going to the gym.  But I'm living somewhere with a pool - no reason I can't swim.  And when it's too mind-numbingly cold to swim (I tried today, I really really did), then I can walk.  I live on a hill for crying out loud!  I can walk up for 15 minutes and back down for 15 and that's a decent workout, at least for me!  I miss listening to the radio and my talk shows - I can load up my mp3 and go.  And when I get a job, I can figure something out.  There is no reason, NONE that I can't find 30 minutes in my day.  I'm just lazy.

Vincent does love me how I am (thank goodness for wonderful husbands).  But I DON'T.  I don't like being ashamed of how I look when I'm taking a bath or when I look in a mirror.  It didn't used to be like this.  I don't even like looking at old pictures because I am reminded of how I look now. I don't have to stay like this.

As for the eating and the diet food...well, that's just going to have to be a compromise.  I'm not doing the fat free margarine.  It's really disgusting.  But I can do fat free milk.  I can cut back on the beers I drink.  (I bet Heineken Light is pretty decent).  And I really do like fruit - as for eating out....Can I just say, I just went to a few fast food restaurants and I see why they are fighting so hard to keep the calorie counts off the menu.  Did you know there are over 1,000 calories in an Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack in the box?  On the other hand there are just over 300 calories in an In-N-Out cheeseburger - if I am craving some fast food, there are options out there that aren't going to keep me in xxl.

So there are some good reasons why I can do this.  And if I was looking for another one, it would be that I want to have a baby, and I want to have a healthy pregnancy.  It's a little ways off for a few reasons, but I am not healthy enough to have a safe pregnancy right now, and that needs to change.

I have said all these things out loud before.  I've had conversations with Vincent and Amanda, my parents and my in laws.  But I'm a visual person and I need to seem them written down.  I don't know that anyone will read this blog.  (I don't know that I want anyone to read this blog!)  But writing it down is good for me.  Being able to go back and re-read it when I'm feeling weak is good for me.  

So - if this is me reading it while I try to decide if I'm going to go work out or just sit and play a computer game - get off the bed and just go do it.

I can do this. 

I hope.