Weight Loss - The Beginning

I guess I'm about the same an most every woman out there (and all who live within driving distance of LA).  I am not happy with how much I weigh and what my body looks like.  I've tried curves twice (or is it three times?) and haven't stuck with it.  It isn't that I don't know "how" to loose weight - I've just never done it out of my own will power.  In fact, the only time I successfully lost any weight is when I was in a pretty dark place in  my life.  I have given myself all kinds of reasons why it won't work this time and I shouldn't even try:

• I have no will power - none.  Especially when it comes to food.
• I enjoy eating out too much
• People in my family were obsessed with food growing up and how much they ate and I am terrified to end up doing that.
• I don't exercises - We can't afford for me to go to a gym, and if we did, I wouldn't go.
• My husband loves me just the way I am, and I don't need to change.
• I can't stand diet food (all wheat tortillas, non-fat margarine, non-fat mayonnaise, bleh, it all makes me gag).
  
• I can be a perfectionist and I don't like have "mistakes" in my way - if I blow it once, I might just give up.
• Oh...and I really like to eat.  I love buttered popcorn and creamy Alfredo sauce, and a good fat piece of steak.

All of this is, however, bullshit (sorry mom, if you happen across this post).    Of course I can be stubborn, (just ask Vincent) and if I can be stubborn, then I can translate that to will power.  I have to believe I have the power to do this.  

I do have a difficult relationship with food, just like my family.  But they are healthy now, and in great shape - I saw the road they went down, and I know the pitfalls and what to avoid (I'm not going 2 years without a cookie!) I can do this a healthy way.

I don't exercise and I hate going to the gym.  But I'm living somewhere with a pool - no reason I can't swim.  And when it's too mind-numbingly cold to swim (I tried today, I really really did), then I can walk.  I live on a hill for crying out loud!  I can walk up for 15 minutes and back down for 15 and that's a decent workout, at least for me!  I miss listening to the radio and my talk shows - I can load up my mp3 and go.  And when I get a job, I can figure something out.  There is no reason, NONE that I can't find 30 minutes in my day.  I'm just lazy.

Vincent does love me how I am (thank goodness for wonderful husbands).  But I DON'T.  I don't like being ashamed of how I look when I'm taking a bath or when I look in a mirror.  It didn't used to be like this.  I don't even like looking at old pictures because I am reminded of how I look now. I don't have to stay like this.

As for the eating and the diet food...well, that's just going to have to be a compromise.  I'm not doing the fat free margarine.  It's really disgusting.  But I can do fat free milk.  I can cut back on the beers I drink.  (I bet Heineken Light is pretty decent).  And I really do like fruit - as for eating out....Can I just say, I just went to a few fast food restaurants and I see why they are fighting so hard to keep the calorie counts off the menu.  Did you know there are over 1,000 calories in an Ultimate Cheeseburger from Jack in the box?  On the other hand there are just over 300 calories in an In-N-Out cheeseburger - if I am craving some fast food, there are options out there that aren't going to keep me in xxl.

So there are some good reasons why I can do this.  And if I was looking for another one, it would be that I want to have a baby, and I want to have a healthy pregnancy.  It's a little ways off for a few reasons, but I am not healthy enough to have a safe pregnancy right now, and that needs to change.

I have said all these things out loud before.  I've had conversations with Vincent and Amanda, my parents and my in laws.  But I'm a visual person and I need to seem them written down.  I don't know that anyone will read this blog.  (I don't know that I want anyone to read this blog!)  But writing it down is good for me.  Being able to go back and re-read it when I'm feeling weak is good for me.  

So - if this is me reading it while I try to decide if I'm going to go work out or just sit and play a computer game - get off the bed and just go do it.

I can do this. 

I hope.